Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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