I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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