No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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