one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize