I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
