my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
She needs sedatives and a leash
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
