You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
