Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
