I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
