Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
