I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
