apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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