bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
