Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
