I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
