So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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