i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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