Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i think my mom watched the whole time
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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