Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
