his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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