I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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