don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
