a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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