I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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