she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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