Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
