Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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