I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
