I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Randomize
