the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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