Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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