I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
