My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
