I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize