Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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