Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
