is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
