There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
