You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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