i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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