The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
