you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
