she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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