How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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