I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
