my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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