Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
