I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
