I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
