Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
