You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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