i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
