I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
