Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
