my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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