I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
