Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
