You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sober January is a disaster.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
