Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize