That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
