dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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