I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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