please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
