weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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